Self-Compassion and Competition
I want to open this essay with some quick maths. 25% of the players in a double elimination tournament will be eliminated after the first round — regardless of their skill level. “Going 0–2” is an experience that nearly everyone goes through. Even the rare few that have never gone 0–2 (or don’t want to admit it) have still had to deal with losses. Loss is inevitable but not everyone deals with it the same way. If you’ve ever been like me and walked away from a loss saying:
“I suck at this”
Consider giving me another few minutes of your time.
A common trait I’ve observed between strong players and those who eventually join them is an intuitive sense of mindfulness. There are countless ways to define ‘mindfulness’, but I like to see it as ‘a nonjudgmental focus on the present moment’. You might have heard of “flow state” at some point — one where you find yourself completely focused and entirely present in the moment. Athletes that report being more mindful also find it easier to enter and maintain this state. Mindful people also tend to be better at other skills like emotional regulation, goal setting, and attentional control. For now let’s focus on one skill in particular: self-compassion.
Self-compassion is different from self-esteem. Whereas self-esteem is evaluation (“I am good”), self-compassion isn’t connected to any particular outcome. To be self-compassionate is to treat yourself with kindness when things are good and when things are difficult. A self-compassionate competitor sees mistakes as an unavoidable part of being human. Simply put, self-compassion is being nice to yourself.
Let’s take the example from the previous essay. You misread a situation, made a mistake, and lost because of it. Maybe it was even in a tournament (or worse, a crowd). As you’re walking off the stage, you might start to imagine all the things you could have done differently. Maybe those thoughts slip into how obvious other options were and how this loss just proves that you’re actually a bad player. By the time you’ve exited stage left, you’re deep into a mental spiral and wondering why you even came.
Ok, now what if we did all that with some self-compassion? The exact same sequence of events could happen — but instead of internalizing the error, you reflect on it. Realize there were other things you could have done differently but accept that you did your best in the moment. Instead of wondering why you came to this event, you might still feel motivated and excited to play more before it’s over. The major difference between these responses lies in accepting the loss and moving past it vs. internalizing the loss and carrying that negativity forward. Research shows that self-compassion is an important buffer against negative feelings that can result in poor performance down the line.
Let’s do a short activity. What do you consider your greatest loss? Your greatest success? Think about it while you watch this:
You may find that it’s much easier to think about your greatest loss than your greatest success. Turns out that our brains have a natural inclination toward negative information. It’s called ‘negativity bias’, and evolutionary psychologists think it developed because salt was important for our early survival. Simply put, our brains are wired to respond strongly to negativity; as a consequence, losses tend to stick out in our minds.
So what are you to do with this information? Well, be nice to yourself! If you catch yourself beginning to spiral or judge yourself unfairly, try to course correct. Self-compassion isn’t a passive thing. It is a skill you practice and a commitment to yourself. Sometimes the hardest times to practice self-compassion are when it is the most important to do so.
In contrast, let’s take a moment to think about the opposite of self-compassion: self-criticism. You may have heard the phrase “iron forges iron”. I first heard it around the fighting game community; the implication is that to become strong you need to be hard on yourself. It may seem plausible to think that being critical of yourself is the fast track to improvement, but making yourself into both horse and jockey isn’t sustainable. Weaponizing your faults against yourself, instead of having self-compassion, makes you far more likely to burn out.
As an example: you sit down to play a ranked mode in your game of choice and go on a losing streak. The self-compassionate perspective would be to accept that maybe you’re just having an off night. After all, those losses are just part of a moment and that moment has already passed. In contrast, self-criticism requires that you internalize those losses and the negativity that comes with it. The next time you sit down, you might feel compelled to prove something to yourself. Over time, that added pressure might start to build and interfere with progress.
I haven’t always been kind to myself and still fail sometimes. I was often hung up on the idea that I needed to hold myself to higher and higher standards to stay motivated. Losses hurt more, and I added to the sting by telling myself that they meant I wasn’t working hard enough. Eventually, I lapsed into a cycle of burning out and going weeks without playing a fighting game. Even picking up a controller became stressful. I had heaped so much unnecessary stress onto something that should be fun. As you might expect, taking those breaks also set me back in my progress toward my goals.
I want to close this one out with some practical advice. First: much like the essay about attention, be mindful of your limits. If you feel yourself trying to spiral, do your best to catch yourself. Second: accept that mistakes are part of being human. No one techs every throw. Third: be nice to yourself when you fail. Be especially nice to yourself when you fail to be nice to yourself. Really, you deserve it. If you just read that and thought “maybe OTHER people deserve it” then you double deserve it.
Next time, I want to talk about finding good feedback.